This is one of the more difficult messages I've ever had to write.  I must confess I dislike confronting people.  It really bothers me and I avoid it.  Over the years I have confronted people, but usually too little and too late.  And before confronting people as I should have done, I have often said and done wrong things.  Going to the brother as Jesus instructs us, is hard work.

          Do you remember I said a few weeks ago that confession was good for the soul?  When I decided to speak this series on "Restoration" I knew I would have to come to Matthew 18, and have somewhat dreaded it.  In this church and in many others, I have failed to confront members who no longer attend.  In my work with other pastors, I have not spoken to people who have offended me, but I have, sadly, spoken about them.  Rather than go to those people in person, I have avoided them, or used E-mail or letters or telephone in communicating, and it almost always has had poor results.

          So if any of you hearing this want to say, "Practice what you preach," you are right.  Confronting the brother has been a weakness most of my life.

          Jesus' instructions are so simple.  "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.  If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.  But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.'  If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector."

          St. Paul said in Galatians 6:1, "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.  But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted."  When someone has something against you, or you have against him or her, go to them.  You may be able to clarify a misunderstanding.  You may learn that you are wrong or have heard wrong.  Most of all, you may help deliver the other person from the acid and poison of unforgiveness.  You see, unforgiveness is the poison we drink, hoping the other person will die.

          When someone's action or decision is too serious to overlook, go to them!  It may well be this action will become public and damage others.  It probably has already damaged your relationship.  It may end up hurting other people, including yourself, so go to them!

          Confrontation is not an excuse to be a busybody.  The Bible condemns those who engage in idle gossip (2 Thessalonians 3:11).  James tells us (James 5:19), "My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this:  Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins."

          Confrontation cannot be excused by avoidance or false reasons not to condemn.  When Jesus said, "Judge not, lest you be judged," (Matthew 7:1), He was talking about second guessing others, not recognizing genuine wrongdoing.  We modern people pride ourselves in being nonjudgmental.  But it's a huge error to believe our actions are all relative.  The plain fact is that if it's a sin for me, then it's a sin for you.  Some will say, "Isn't it God's job to show people where they're wrong?"  Yes, but who is going to tell them?  A megaphone from the sky?

          Confrontation is needed when someone is caught in sin.  St. Paul says we should go and help restore him, but gently.  Here is where I believe we miss the mark.  It's so easy these days to get angry and feel justified in our anger.  We may be busy, or bothered by other things, so we blow up.  In E-mail language, they call it "flaming out" the other person.  Trouble is, once the words are out there, they can't be taken back.  And whoever said, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never harm me," is living with his head in the ground.  Words hurt, and hurt badly.

          The purpose of confrontation is to restore the people involved, to help them become useful to God and to others once more.  Confrontation, when applied for godly reasons in a gentle way, is a reflection of Christ-like love for the other person.  That is how He would do it!  The only danger is if it's not done gently.  Then restoration becomes the source of more trouble and sin.

          Christian confrontation can and should be done to help the other person, not just correct him/her.  Christians should always speak to build others up.  St. Paul said, in Ephesians 4:29, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."  Therefore, you and I should listen carefully to all parties, ask for clarification, reflect on what is being said and agree where we can.  But it all starts with going to the other person.  You can't restore when you won't confront.

          Effective confrontation requires prayer.  It means choosing the right time and place.  It means believing the best in others until facts prove otherwise.  It means talking IN PERSON wherever possible.  Plan your words well and be kind in your approach.  Confrontation is hard work, but it is always worth the effort.

          Jesus confronted His disciples.  He pulled Peter aside and told him to be quiet, realizing He was talking like the Devil himself (Matthew 16:23).  He confronted Judas and told him to do what he must (Matthew 26:25).  He confronted the Pharisees publicly and He confronted sinners privately.  Jesus is our best example of confronting in order to help all parties involved.  But if anger drives what you do, we all lose.

          Once upon a time, two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict.  It was the first serious rift in their 40 years of working together.  It began with a small misunderstanding, and grew into a major difference, and finally exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.  One morning, there was a knock on John's door.  He opened it to find a man with a carpenter's toolbox.  "I'm looking for a few days' work," he said.  "Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there that I could help with?

          Yes," said the older brother.  "I do have a job for you.  Look across the creek at that farm.  That's my younger brother!  Last week, there was a meadow between us, but he took his bulldozer and dug a small river between us.  Well I'm going to do him one better.  See that pile of old lumber?  I want you to build an 8 foot high fence between us.  Then I won't need to see his place or his face anymore."  The carpenter said, "Show me the nails and the tools, and I'll do a good job for you."

          The older brother had to go to town, so he left for the day.  At sunset, when he returned, this eyes opened wide, and his jaw dropped.  There was no fence there at all.  The carpenter had built a bridge that stretched from one side of the river to the other, with handrails and all!  And his younger brother, was coming toward them, his hand outstretched.  "You're quite the guy," he said, "after all I've said and done."  The two brothers met in the middle, and shook each other's hand.  They turned to see the carpenter leaving.  "No, wait!  Stay a few days.  I've a lot of other projects for you," said the older brother.  "I'd love to," the carpenter said, "but I have many more bridges to build."

          When you and I come to the end of our days, just remember this:  God won't ask what kind of car we drove, but He will ask how many people we helped get where they needed to go.  He won't ask how big our house was, but He will ask how many people we welcomed into our home.  God won't ask what neighborhood we lived in, but He will ask how we treated our neighbors.  And He won't ask how many fences we made, but He will ask how many bridges we built.

          Jesus Christ died on the cross to forgive us our sins.  He took on Himself the punishment we deserved, and all He asks is that we trust Him and love each other.  He calls us to lovingly help our brothers and sisters.  Our job is to speak the truth in love, as clearly and persuasively as possible.  It's God's job to change people.  We can't do that; only God can.  If you and I can only remember that it's God job to change hearts, maybe then we will be a little less fearful of confronting people when needed.  Satan does His best to keep us apart.  He doesn't want us talking to each other, just about each other.  Restoration is a gift from God.  He reunites us.  He restores us.  He loves us and helps us love each other.

          The opposite of love is not hate - it's indifference.  It's when we no longer care that love dies.  May God keep us from uncaring hearts.  May He help us build bridges, not fences.  And in so doing, may He restore all who are separated by sin, Amen

Copyright © 2004 by Pastor Bob Tasler.  All rights reserved.